Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Although the studio recording wouldn’t see release until the excellent Boxette compilation in 2007, Saint Etienne performed Absolute Beginners – which, at that point, was still one of Bowie’s most neglected songs – as part of the set on their joint tour with Pulp early in 1993; reputedly, this recording was shelved because they felt it hadn’t quite captured the thrill of those live shows. I mean, it’s a bit soppy, but surely it ruins the balance at the ending, when the song is reprised, as The Love We Found . If you choose the water wheel you will only be underwater for about for about 30 seconds of each revolution but it would be very sunny and you won’t be allowed sun cream or to be released from the water wheel to go to the toilet.

Artificial Intelligence: If the world were to be populated entirely by Richard Herring look-alikes – which it almost is – would it be a utopia of Herring-based hilarity, or a nightmarish dystopia where the same jokes are repeated ad infinitum ? Would you rather be the most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you’ve died, or get 2-for-1 meals at Harvester for the rest of your life?

Would you rather have all your teeth fall out and be replaced by the teeth of a Neanderthal man or woman or have all your hair fall out and be replaced by the wire from a Brillo pad?

Assuming Rose Tyler in the guise of ‘Bad Wolf’ doesn’t count – although I maintain she was momentarily cosmic energy in a human form (which it then threatened to take over and destroy) – then obviously it would have to be one of the Drahvins from 1965’s Galaxy 4; and before anyone starts, they had glitter-tinged (and possibly pale blue) skin and, and unlike their more evidently ‘alien’ adversaries the Rills, turned out to be the ‘real’ monsters’ in the story after all.Artificial Intelligence: If a butterfly flaps its wings in a forest, and nobody is there to hear it, why did Richard Herring forget to bring his monocle when he recorded the 700th episode of RHLSTP ? What was the worst thing that a relative bought you something for Christmas that wasn’t quite what you wanted but you had to pretend to like it anyway? I’m not going to ask you the full question but, as a vegan, if someone had given you a magic choice between having a breast, nipple, that produced talcum powder, or a hand made out of ham, and you’d opted for the hand made out of ham, would you eat your own ham hand? Ben Evans: Are you proud to be the voice everyone knows on the adverts for Barkleys and Waterstones? Our books regularly hit the bestseller lists, and we have powered countless authors to household-name status.

You would have a special honey stomach and sick the honey up through your mouth, producing ten kilograms of honey per year, which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public.

Is there an author who you would have liked to have heard read their own books on an audiobook from the past, before this technology existed?

If you were Adam Sandler, how would you even begin to spend the millions you made from appearing in The Cobbler?Would you rather have pubic hair made from unremovable barbed wire, or be attacked by a rabid badger in your sleep once a week? If you had a finger that could cure rectal cancer but only if you pushed it hard up the anus of the cancer sufferer, would you cure anyone, everyone, or be like Jesus and just cure a few? Medieval pretenders to the throne Perkin Warbeck and Lambert Simnel, whom I have always found unaccountably amusing.

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